June 21, 2005
-- by Thomas Leavitt
Dear Red States,
We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Elliot Spitzer.
You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty.
You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft.
You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard.
You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.
You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti- war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.
We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.
By the way, we're taking the good pot, too.
You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
Author Unknown in New California.
[O.K., I admit, there's a lot of stuff in here that's problematic when you look at the stuff in detail, but at the same time, its a pretty honest expression of what a lot of people here think ("damn right wing redneck yahoos can all go to hell for all that i care").
As a counter-balance, I'll also point out that we get "Neverland" and they get "Graceland". :)
Personally, I think the idea of succession is worth talking about... California sends $40 billion a year to the Federal Gov't that it never gets back. Would go a lot of the way towards solving our budget balancing problems and improving our state's crumbling physical and educational infrastructure. Not to mention having a government htat is vastly more responsive (via initiative, referendum, recall and general electoral policy) and accountable... and representative. -Thomas]
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Here in Oregon we will go for it but I think we will need to talk about name.
Posted by: Ron Beasley at June 21, 2005 7:51 PM
Well, you know... Californians are a bit, uh, egocentric.
Looking around, I see plenty of good names for the "Red States" (Dumbfuckistan, anyone?)... not so many for the "Blue States"... "Federal Republic of North America"? (many of these seem to assume that the Canadians would welcome a merger with open arms - they might need to be consulted).
Hmm... how about this, a little more humbling... Baja Canada?
Personally, I'm enamoured of my own invention: The Left Coast Republic.
Posted by: Thomas Leavitt at June 21, 2005 8:35 PM
How about a name that recognizes our opposition to corrupt oligarchy and our commitment to republican democracy by honoring the man who made both efforts possible in the modern world?
I give you “Madisonia.”
And no, this isn't because I've fallen in love with a certain city in Wisconsin...
Posted by: SV at June 21, 2005 9:01 PM
And by the way, good luck on your nuclear bunker busters because we're taking Lawrence-Livermore with us. Also,we want the Pacific Fleet. After all it's our coast.
Posted by: drouse at June 24, 2005 11:14 AM
Why are people always separting themselves by their Political stance? My cousins are for the war they live in Alabama, we live in California and we're not.
That never stopped us from having a barbaque and having fun.
Posted by: Concerced at July 3, 2005 11:20 AM
Posted by: Jackie at January 2, 2006 4:03 PM
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